9. It's still rock n roll to me.

It can be seen that gang culture apparently plays a large role in Western Australian culture. It is a lawless place with as many fleets of shotgun wielding bogans on Harley Davidson’s as there are kangaroos, or as many armed and highly trained street fighting ninjas as there are New Zealander’s on the dole. That’s what the media would have you believe. According to the West (see Press Watch), we are almost as bad as prohibition era Chicago run by Al Capone and protected by Kevin Costner. Are they right?

A 2000 report by the Australian Institute of Criminology (AIC ) suggested that “the phenomenon of ‘criminal youth gangs’ is largely a media myth” and that “’youth gangs’ as such do not constitute a significant social problem”, though they agree there is some tendency towards criminality. It may be argued that things have moved on since then. To some extent, this seems likely. Racism was cited as the main cause of inter-gang conflict, whereas now it appears to be related to racism and drug trafficking.

But is it a serious problem or one of context? The West Australian report from 16th August suggests that Sydney has 10 organised crime gangs and Melbourne 8 to Chicago’s 4 and Perth’s 3. That means Perth is roughly equivalent to the other capitals on a per capita basis. One cannot assume that US statistics are gathered in the same way as here, so inter-country comparisons are meaningless.

There are several other things to note. Firstly, the West Australian’s sensationalist and absolute headline: ‘Perth home to criminal gangs’.There is no mention of the outside world. Secondly, it is only mid way through the article that the above quoted and relative numbers are revealed and they are not given any appropriate context to inspire free thought. Thirdly, there is no mention of who the three gangs are.

Why the rise of gangs in the eyes of media hysteria? Certainly it seems that the incidence of public weapon use in gang related incidents may be increasing. However, as the AIC report argues, “The resultant waves of race-based public panic are customarily triggered by the sensationalised reporting of atypical events. This reporting tends to reinforce the ‘ethnic’ character of the criminal activity in question, based on the ‘racial’ background of the perpetrators—alleged gang members.” Use of weapons is, overall, atypical and therefore exaggerated. Because of the alleged ethnicity of gangs, they then become easily identifiable and more capable of causing panic.

Former gang member Perth Boi : described to me, the fearless and quixotic Ramon Miguel Cadorna, in a Dog Swamp all-night burger bar the history of Perth gangs:

“Well originally there was two gangs starting around the early 80s, one the Dragon Boyz which were made up of a group of Vietnamese friends after one of their friends was stabbed to death and they wanted to form a justice, and a second called the Sword Boyz which was formed when the idea to form the gang came from Sydney… Around the early 1990s a new gang called the Embros [M’Bros] formed. In the mid-90s a lot of gang members attended the school Mt. Lawley, even some of the members of the Morley Boyz (Group of friends all living around the Morley area) which later on developed into Spider Boyz. A stabbing in 2001 ended [Spider Boyz leader’s] winning streak, he was locked up after his stabby bled to death in High Park. Later on they [descendents of the original Spider Boyz gang] became more organised and started keeping a low profit, changing their habits of fighting to dealing drugs over a large scale.”

The rise of gang incidents in the media suggests that racial minorities have reached a critical mass and require the expression of their own subculture. A new phenomenon in Perth perhaps? Yes, in terms of association of gangs with a particular ethnic group and not your average Aussie bogan bikers. It suggests then, that Perth is in a state of change and that some new elements of culture and identity are coming to the surface. It is a significant juncture for measuring the energy levels and ascertaining a state of excitement. But otherwise, gangs are as new as the concept of the ‘teenager’.

“In America, they were called rockers, in the UK, teddy boys. In Australia, we called the boys bodgies and their girlfriends widgies. Bodgie comes from the word 'bodger', meaning someone worthless, and they defined themselves with their clothes and their hair.” From Dimensions

The Australian 50’s gangs of Bodgies and Widgies were subject to the same media hysteria as modern gangs are, particularly in Perth. “Without recourse to reliable statistics, many people embraced the opinion that a substantial proportion of the country’s teenagers were uncontrollable. Some advocated punishments such as sending ‘bodgies to the Nullarbor to work on a rail gang’ (Perth Daily News, 7 October, 1957), sending them ‘to sea under a tough [navy] skipper’ (Perth Daily News, 16 November, 1957) and inflicting harsh corporal punishment upon them.” Note a reference here to the requirement for ‘reliable statistics’.

Group activity is designed to facilitate a social connection. Common social ground exists for a number of well described reasons: socioeconomic, to establish identity, particularly in emerging racial groups, as well as boredom. “When combined with the lack of alternative recreational outlets and the consequent boredom experienced, feelings of exclusion may actually lead to various kinds of “deviant” behaviour.” (from AIC report). Insufficient transport and recreational facilities is cited as a major cause of boredom in 58% of people interviewed in the AIC survey. Perth’s public transport at least is notoriously sub-standard (to be addressed later), so boredom is probably a genuine concern. Gangs can therefore be considered in one sense a symptom of a state of unexcitement and in another, a state of excitement. Its not a new phenomenon, but implies a state of transition.

Know your WA gang.

The following gangs are known to have clubhouses and/or prominent centres of operation in Western Australia. They are loosely divided into two groups: motorcycle gangs and ethnic based groups. The former prefer motorbikes and penny farthings and are a more dangerous evolutionary variation of the bogan; the ethnic-based gangs usually employ souped up Japanese sport sedans such as Mitsubishi Lancers and Suburu WRXs. A discussion of gang hype and the use of ethnic generalisations is given below in following posts.

Coffin Cheaters: Bogans

Gypsy jokers: Bogans

Club Deroes: Bogans

Bandidos: Bogans

Rebels: Bogans

God’s Garbage: Bogans

GANGajang: Australian*

Sword Boys: Lebanese

Scorpion Boys**: Lebanese

Filo Boys: Lebanese?

Spider Boys: Asian (Chinese and/or Vietnamese)

M’Boys: Asian (Chinese and/or Vietnamese)

African Kings: Somalian?


* The status of this gang is currently unknown. Despite widespread belief that they no longer exist, sightings and soundings are often heard with alarming frequency on Sky Show Night (see Space is the Place part 2).

** In some newspaper articles, it is the Scorpion Boys and not the Sword Boys who are implicated in the Metro’s club attack on Coffin Cheater Troy Mercanti.


* * * * * * * *

This website does not condone the use of racial stereotyping or pandering to media sensationalism. The description of gangs by ethnicity is deemed necessary for discussion and to understand the origins and aims of organised collectives of youths and immature grown-ups. Please see a Press Council report on this issue if you are offended

Press watch – Sin City says Bob Bottom

An article published in the West Australian on Tuesday 16th August seems to corroborate the above reports. It is entitled ‘Perth home to criminal gangs’ and goes on to say

“Perth has just one less organised crime group than the infamous gangster city of Chicago, according to Australian crime analyst Bob Bottom [who] revealed that three of Australia’s highest-risk organised crime groups are running their rackets out of Perth... “There are other subsidiary groups in Perth and regional areas that still have national significance,” Mr Bottom said.”

We will go on to address the issue of crime and excitement, discussing gangs first and general crime second. The context of this discussion is drawn from our Ozsurvey source which suggests that Perth is a great place to live because of its safety.

Press watch – Rebels MC – Why waltz when you can rock n roll???

An article published in the West Australian on Wednesday 24th August entitled ‘Police home in on Rebels’ describes the return to business of the Rebels motorcycle gang. The article states:

“In March, police…believed the Rebels Perth chapter was crushed after serious drug convictions against senior members…The rebels Malaga clubhouse was closed after [senior members] Raymond James Washer and John Di Lena were arrested.”

“The gang, reputed to have the biggest membership across Australia, has a clubhouse in [Western Australian cities] Busselton and is building one in Medina.”

See Ozbiker for more information on the previous closing down of this gang’s Perth headquarters.

I have been to Malaga in Spain, near my home in Toledo and it is much more beautiful and peaceful than Malaga (pronounced here as Ma-lager and not Mala-ga with short vowels), despite the predominance of drunk Liverpool supporters.

Press watch – Guntastic Subiaco

An article in the West Australian, Saturday August 20 entitled ‘Shot fired after bikie told mate was ‘slashed' ’’ describes the local Subiaco entertainment scene. The article begins

“A Coffin Cheater bikie who fired a pistol during a brawl at the Red Sea nightclub on January 23 had just received news his friend and fellow Coffin Cheater Troy Mercanti had been “slashed up by some Lebanese”.” The incident involving Troy Mercanti is described in the references below and has been previously aluded to in our description of Subiaco.

The Lebanese belong to a gang known as the Sword Boys (see below). John Kizon is known to have association with the Coffin Cheaters. References: SMH and Ozbiker

8. Chelsea pizza

An interview with Jose Mourinho

It was my good fortune to spend one evening dining in the affluent suburb of Nedlands, where London’s Chelsea Football Club manager Jose Mourinho has just opened the first in a chain of themed restaurants called Chelsea Pizza. Already a popular hangout for the local university crowd, the night became rowdier as the interview proceeded. The discussion took place in both English and Spanish with a relaxed Mourinho in a flour-stained apron.

Ramon Miguel Cadorna (RMC): Hello Jose and thank you for your time.

Jose Mourinho (JM): My pleasure Ramon.

RMC: First of all, congratulations for your success last season.

JM: Thank you. It was a great beginning for me in the Premier League, but still, we are dissatisfied. We didn’t win the Champions League and we failed to annihilate all our enemies, so we have a lot of work to do this season.

RMC: And your interest in domination is extending now to the pizza trade?

JM: Well yes. We want to keep Chelsea’s style and power operating at all levels. We want to reach from the ground up. Also, we make a lot of money selling pizza to Old Trafford for their buffet.

RMC: So why Perth? Why not open Chelsea’s first pizza bar in Leicester Square or New York?

JM: There are many reasons. First of all, we can play the best football and make the most beautiful pizza, but we cannot force people to watch or to eat. We want to attract people, magnetically, intrinsically. For me, it is like holding up a mirror. In Europe, the people have enough to see, for now, and aren’t ready for Chelsea. That is also why we win. Everyone knows the American’s cant play football (laughs). Second, I am always one step ahead. I think one day there will be a market here for football and pizza. I am the first to arrive. It is me (he shrugs). Thirdly, I have relatives here in Perth. Some of my family live in Fremantle. My great grandfather was sent here as a convict.

RMC: A convict?

JM: Yes. I am not ashamed like some of the Australians. My great grandfather Diogo was the only Portuguese man sent to the Fatal Shore for his crimes.

RMC: What was his crime, if it is not rude to ask?

JM: No, of course. He was transported for fourteen years for public and political dissent. He refused to apologise and was happy to be sent away.

RMC: But what of Perth’s reputation as being Dullsville? Are you worried there might not be much interest or profit?

JM: Sure. Dullsville. State of Excitement. It’s a risk, it’s a humble beginning, but we aren’t bothered with that reputation. We want our enemies to be strong as we will defeat them regardless.

RMC: Do you think Perth is boring?

JM: Yes. Yes I do.

RMC: Why do you think it’s boring?

JM: Why? It is difficult. I am here once a year to visit family. I am objective. But I say, it is because of expression. It is not an impassioned place like we have in Iberia, or in the change rooms at Stamford Bridge after another win. It seems a difficult place for a culture or a community to express itself from within. People are too cautious about expressing their view of culture. The emotion and the feeling are trapped inside. It is like the team bus is parked in front of the goal.

RMC: What causes this entrapment, in your opinion?

JM: I think two reasons. One is the youth. Everything is new here. There are so many places in the suburbs where nobody has lived before. There have been no generations and no impressions left to build upon. There have been no struggles for or against identity, if you discount the Aboriginals. Young people, they see this emptiness and it is frightening. It seems too vast to begin or perhaps seems unnecessary? It is difficult to find the alchemy or the leader that will ignite a cultural push or to keep it going. Everything here is yours from the beginning, it does not have to be fought for or repossessed or claimed. It is misleading. I think the isolation is one factor controlling this.

RMC: Isolation from the rest of the world?

JM: No. No. No. No. It is not that. That is laziness and a local weakness. There is the internet. There is telephones and aeroplanes. Yes it is more difficult to be far away, but people need to ask and it will arrive. There is not that desire. If you do not have attitude to win, you should not play.

RMC: What isolation do you mean then?

JM: Isolation from self and each other. There is too much personal space. Too much ownership. Community is separated by too many walls and it creates fear. It is like everyone trains alone and then is confounded when they can’t play as a team. There is perceived to be no necessity to come out of your own half. There is a perception that culture will arrive or will be found in the supermarket. Also, there are no managers to focus the vision of many into a unified action or style.

RMC: Do you think it could be an issue of having nothing to say?

JM: For some yes. But for a country, a state. No. It is impossible. I think it is a question of identity.

RMC: A cultural identity of boredom?

JM: Yes and no. If you think, in Portugal
we are also still struggling to realise an identity. It is always newer and newer (shrugs). But we can look at our selves and see our history and a face we recognise from which we are derived. Here it is difficult. It is new, it is faceless. There is also the safety of acquired identity. My relatives, they are compelled by the Portuguese culture they left in Europe. In a sense they preserve it here more than we do in Portugal, because here it grows in isolation and does not evolve with the same influence of real Portugal. But their children are not born with the same responsibility to Portugal. It is diluted in each generation. Same for the Asians, whoever. They protect themselves in a community they recognise, but it is lost and assimilated in time. And then?

RMC: What do you perceive as the direction of the local identity then?

JM: I think this is the question. I think Dullsville is an important identity as it is the first. This is why there is pain. It is like birth. Every child is always screaming when it is taken from its mother. Now it is time to act here. Perth is Dullsville. If you don’t like it, it means you have to act. If you are one goal down, you have to score to re-enter the game. For the first time, Perth is being recognised and it is recognised as boring. Similar with Chelsea. After 50 years with no title, with no aura that precedes us, we have begun to express ourselves with personality. We have an identity now that is recognised. We have had to build this, from the goal keeper forward. Perth is the same. You have to fight back from Dullsville to domination. But you have to remember also, the best team can lose. That is also history and culture.

RMC: Finally Jose, can you tell us about your menu.

JM: We have many styles of pizza. Most reliable is the Makelele 12” which can satisfy three or four at once. We have the Thin and Crespo crust or the Deep Pan Drogba. We have the four-four-two: four cheeses, a variation of quatro stagione, four vegetables and two meats upfront. My favourite is the Che Guevara, hot and spicy, and when I am here, I like to cook the Special One myself. This pizza is second only to God.

RMC: Jose, thank you for your time.

JM: My pleasure.

Space is the place part 2.

Don’t look down, the sky is about to explode.

Western Australia’s obsession with the sky and outer space would continue. What began with John Glenn and John Glenn had entered the psyche of the sandgropers.


On 14th May 1973 the US launched the first of many Skylab missions. The 80 ton prototype space station was meant to survive until the mid 80s when it would be serviced and upgraded by the then nascent shuttle program. However, damage during launching when the micrometeoroid shield deployed too soon and ripped off a wing and solar panel meant that from the outset, the functionality of Skylab I would be limited. Despite the set back, several manned missions to Skylab were completed successfully, before the safety and potential of the station became prohibitive.

On July 11 1979 Skylab was allowed to plunge to earth, ending days of speculation as to its final destination: Skylab I came down in blaze of glory and a sonic boom over the Indian Ocean and Western Australia. It is almost as if Skylab I had answered the beacons of the City of Light and come home like a prodigal son. Debris was recorded near Kalgoorlie east of Perth and down in Esperance on the south coast. Treasure hunters still look for pieces of the space station in the desert and fields; local councils still advertise their shire to tourists as the final resting place of the lost space station and, like the assassination of JFK or 9/11, the local people still remember where they were when the chariot of fire crossed down from the milky way and fell to earth.

Similar scenes were recorded again in 1986 when Halley’s comet made a return after 76 years in orbit. Street curbs were packed and sales of telescopes and Hills hoists went through the roof.

Not surprisingly, a formal culture of space worship has developed in Western Australia and is celebrated every year on January 26 for at least the last 20 years. On this day, thousands of people flock to the banks of the Swan River around the city centre for what is known locally as ‘Sky Show night’. In honour of John Glenn, John Glenn, Halley’s comet and Skylab the people of Perth drink beer, eat what we call in Spain salchichas or butifarras in Catalonia, but known locally as snaggers or sausages, set off fire works and shine torches into the sky. According to the Ozsurvey, it is the most significant event of the calendar.
















Why? Why make beacons for a lonely astronaut in 1962? Why worship comets and outer space?

Boredom and desperation is one answer, but is far too condescending an explanation. In terms of psyche it is an easy question. Western Australia is full of empty space, so it is easy to relate to the great black void that awaits beyond the atmosphere. Being the last physical frontier of the known world, the nearest neighbour to Western Australia is outer space, an even more unknown arena. When you consider that space is 100km or 62miles away it makes it very proximal when considering the relativity of distance of the vast state. The suburb of Joondalup in the north of Perth is 100km from Mandurah in the south, making it as close to outer space as it is to the other side of the city, let alone the rest of the country. It suggests a visitor from outer space is more likely than a visitor from Mandurah. It is not surprising then, to find that 4 out of 5 Western Australians believe in aliens, a higher number than those who believe in the existence of other Australians. Sky Show is thus a worship of isolation and an investment of hope in the future that the cosmos may bring contact with other life.

Interlude - Space is the place part 1.

City of lights

It wasn’t the Portuguese traders on the way to Timor in the early 17th Century. It wasn’t Dutchmen Dirk Hartog who left his famous plaque in Shark Bay in 1616 or Willem de Vlamingh who first described Perth’s black swans in 1697. It wasn’t the Frenchmen Entrecasteaux or Hamelin who scoured the south west in search of foreign bases in the twilight of Napoleon’s 18th Century. It wasn’t the celebrated English mapper Mathew Flinders in the Investigator in 1801-02, as he charted the future site of WA’s first colony in King George Sound. It wasn’t Captain James Stirling who first appeared to the aboriginal tribes of the Swan River as a jang-ga, or ghost during his first foray into the future suburbs. And it wasn’t Queen Victoria who declared Perth a city in 1856.



It was John Glenn and John Glenn who put Perth and Western Australia on the map in 1962, in the months preceding Perth hosting the British Empire and Commonwealth Games. But neither of these men were athletes, politicians or popstars. Colonel John Glenn was an astronaut, the first American to orbit the earth, whereas John Glenn was a good citizen and resident of Perth suburb Wembley. On 20th February 1962 Glenn was in orbit above the earth in the spacecraft Friendship VII. Looking down, he saw the lights of Perth gleaming back from the darksea and darklands at the edge of the vast continent, the edge of the known physical world. He was lucky.

Lord Mayor Howard hadn’t wanted to keep the lights on, in those days turned off at 1am every night, as it was ‘morally wrong’. Others doubted he would even see the lights; the American’s had never asked to see them in the first place, though one billionaire offered to pay for them. In the end, the American public did contribute £33 19s and 5d in donations to pay for the cost.

But it was John Glenn with his son and others like him, leaving lights on, laying sheets on the lawn, shining torches in the sky and making beacons with white linen and their iconic Hill’s Hoist clotheslines (below) that allowed John Glenn to see the city in a global context for the first time. How much more Australian than this and how crucial the event was in revealing the mentality of the local inhabitants.



John Glenn’s safe return to earth and his public thanks of Perth, which he dubbed City of Light, led to the first international record of Perth on a map. Paris, France is also known as the City of Lights, but people do not often get the two cities confused; Paris is well known to be more exciting than Perth.


In the first 133 years, from founding in 1829, there was no need to know of Perth’s existence and it was another 25 years before Perth made a name for itself again when it hosted the almost forgotten Americas Cup in 1987. This latter event was eventually made into a feature length Hollywood film in 1992 starring Jennifer Grey and Mathew Modine and entitled Wind. In 1998 Perth citizens once again turned on their lights to honour John Glenn during a pre-retirement Spaceshuttle Discovery flight

7. Subiaco – dirty old town.

We made straight for one of the three local pubs, an Irish theme pub called Paddy McGuire’s, but known locally as Stinky’s. It had a log fire, plenty of pictures of Co. Cork and a large terrace with a wonderful view of the car park.

John hated Irish theme pubs and I concurred. But there wasn’t much choice and after the hypnomonotony of the streets and bookstore, it didn’t seem so bad. They served a local lager that was cold and gassy. We sat back and waited for the liquor to take affect.

I spoke briefly to Jim, a part-time trolley collector from the local supermarket, and asked him about the local scene. He remembered “the good old days when the Subiaco hotel was a man’s pub, where you could easily get into a fight out the back for wrongly using a pool cue. Back when Henry’s Africa bar was still open. All its animal print couches were worn and soiled, but unreplaced since they were installed in the 80s. So popular was it, that it used to attract has-been radio celebrities and ex-game show hosts. Nobody went home alone. Now its all poncy stuff. The Subi is for lady boys, the beers too expensive and you cant tend to your thoughts. Young people, they just want to look good. They don’t want to have fun anymore.”

A couple more pints in, the sun long set and the pub was starting to fill. John was getting a bit rowdy by now and starting to scare off the girls at the pool table by coaching them too closely on the trick shots and spilling beer over the change they had stacked up on the edge of the table. A number of young men began dragging amplifiers and instruments inside through the front door.

“Ramon, looks like a band is going to play. Lets stay and have another beer.” I hadn’t seen such a wild look in anyone’s eyes since I had interviewed Richey Edwards.

Staying had seemed like a good idea at first, but quickly proved a mistake. John was on the brink of getting lucky with a secretary called Tracy from a local real estate agency, when suddenly the band started up. We instantly lost all ability to communicate to each other and he to his prize. Tracy detached from John’s arm and drifted onto the soggy space in front of the stage that was the dance floor. She whooped with joy and beckoned for John to come out and join her. He stood rooted to the spot staring up at the band in belief. They were working through a cover of ‘Dirty old town’ that would have made Shane McGowan weep.

“I take it you are not engorged Giovanni?” I shouted at him, but he couldn’t hear a word.

We started to drink quickly. As the opening riff of ‘Sweet child o’ mine’ started we hit the door.
Jim had given me directions to the old Henry’s Africa site, now a franchise of Clancy’s Fish pub, which was only a short walk away. It was another mistake. We paused outside the door. Inside we could here the sounds of a band just winding down their own version of the Pogue's classic.

“How can eat listening to that? Why do they all play the same songs? I can’t deal it with it Ramon. Let’s go to the Subi.”

Another short walk to disappointment. It was early evening, but there was an enormous queue outside the door, guarded by big biker-like bouncers chatting to a couple of sixteen year old girls in short skirts.

“They must be cold in all that Lycra. It reminds me of Colchester, or that time I went to Newcastle to try out for the Magpies.”

“Ramon?” He sounded very distressed.

“Giovanni?”

“I can’t handle it.”

“What? What cant you handle?”

“It is against what I believe to line up for a pub.”

“Why? Do you not want to drink?”

“It is not that. I am thirstier than Oliver Reed. But to line up to go inside a pub? It is madness. To think it may take an hour to get inside, an hour waiting for a drink at the bar. It is only a pub, after all.”

“I see your point, but there is nowhere else to drink.”

“What about that club the Red Sea over there?”

“No, you can tell all those people going in were from the same class in high school. Look they all have their leaver jumpers on. We wouldn’t fit in. What about the Llama bar? At least it had a rating as one of the best drinking spots in this town.”

“Let’s try the Llama Bar then Ramon.”

We lined up for a good hour. It was close to eleven now, but at least the bar was open until 1am. Like the Subiaco Hotel, there was a high lycra component to the waiting crowd and the smell of aftershave and perfume was thick and nebulous. A drunk man walked passed us, being helped by a friend. ‘Muddies! Muddies!’ he yelled out at us all in disgust. At last we reached the front of the queue.

“I’m sorry but you fellas can’t come in. Your not dressed enough.” It was another broad, intimidating bouncer, looking like some sort of cyborg with his Bluetooth ear piece jammed in one of his cauliflower ears.

“I have pants and a shirt. That is dressed to me. Sometimes I make it out without my pants, so you are lucky.” I said to the bouncer.

“Your shoes mate. We have a strict no trainer policy.”

“They’re not trainers, they’re Campers.”

“Sorry mate.”

“These are the finest Spanish leather. I bought them personally in Palma de Mallorca where they are made.”

“Sorry mate.”

“This is the twenty first century. How can you deny me…”

“Move along or I’ll smash your head in. Be warned. There’s no film in that CCTV either, so don’t think I wont do it. Come along please ladies.” He ushered two fine young fillies inside and left us out on the pavement with nowhere else to go but back to the hotel. Giovanni was inconsolable and ended up drinking himself to sleep with the contents of my mini bar. For all its promise, Subiaco had failed to induce a State of Excitement.

6. Subiaco - sub lacum or sub standard?

By all accounts, residential Subiaco began as a mistake.

My source is former Australian swing bowler Terry Alderman*, born and bred in Subiaco and our waiter at the Sicilian. He’s answering questions in-between serving tables and has recommended us the Big Subi Breakfast: eggs Benedict, New Norcia bread and a decaffeinated soy milk cappuccino.

* One must ask whether all arenas in this state are merely gladiator coliseums. The Australian penchant for sport is well known, but here they seem to take it to another level. We have already discussed the Cauldron of Fear, but Terry Alderman was once attacked by a member of the crowd at the Western Australian Cricket Association (WACA) ground in an Ashes test in 82-83.













“The first house in these parts was down the road a little, but its gone now. Built in 1886, but demolished years ago. I think it’s a car park or a video store now. It used to be called Jone’s Folly because it was so far away from Perth and everyone thought it was a grave mistake to build here. Apparently it was a real bugger transporting the bricks and timber to build the place. It was the only house in Subi for 8 years. Can you imagine? Not the most auspicious beginning, especially since the monks had abandoned the place by that stage already. Can’t have been too exciting back then. They were lucky the train line came this way pretty early.”

“Why did the monks leave Terry?”

“Not sure. Apparently there was more happening out in the bush, out in New Norcia where they had another monastery and they all took off there. One of them stayed behind, but they never really got going again. Most of them left about 20 years before Jone’s built his place. These monks were from around your neck of the woods, weren’t they Johno?”

“It was my ancestors who came here, you are right. But I feel no trace of them left. It is hard for me to imagine how new everything is here. My home dates back to Nero’s time. He built a gravity dam there, one of the first and the only Roman one in Italy. The name Subiaco means this, sub lacum, or below the lake. The monks destroyed it 1300 years later trying to water their fields. It is a shame. But in the hills around my home are the monasteries of St. Benedict of which we are very proud. He was a great man and we have his image in many houses. The monasteries were very progressive for their time and we welcomed the Germans there in the 15th Century when others turned them away as heretics. They established one of the worlds first printing presses there with the help of the Germans. For this, we are very proud. So you can say, that from my home comes both the book and the founders of your home New Subiaco.”

















“Yeah, it’s a shame your relatives couldn’t stick around. Things are a bit trendy around here now, but they’re alright. I’m sure you’ll find something exciting. But look fellas, would be nice to shoot the breeze all day, but we have an office party booked in at twelve.”

John and I Thanked Terry Alderman and stepped outside the Sicilian. John rated the eggs moderate on the Roma-Arkansas scale and the soy milk coffee far inferior to his beloved espresso.

We thought we’d spend the afternoon looking at the architecture and exploring the role of books on Subiaco culture as a way of making a comparison with John’s home.
We walked the suburbs for several hours. We saw few people and few old buildings. It seemed that many of the original buildings had been demolished to make way for new housing. So much of what we saw was only a few years old at most, much of it originating in the 21st Century.

“How old is old John?”

“For me, anything in the 19th century or later is new, but here?”

“For me it is the same. Toledo is so rich. You can feel the weight and responsibility of history on the streets, in the dust even. We are poor and our golden age was in the past and sometimes we hunger for the new and for a chance to escape the responsibility. But here I am not sure. I find it very frictionless to walk here, like it is untouched or that it is shapeless. I am unused to this feeling.”

“The old seems older than it is when it is side by side the new.”

“Some of the new buildings are beautiful, but seem silent. They haven’t learned to speak.”

“It looks like Legoland in places. Ramon, I am not sure what to think. The feeling of being in a new place here makes me tingle, but I am not engorged by it.”

“Excited?”

“Excited? I mean engorged. I mean ready with flesh in front of me. I feel like I would be waiting too long here. The old is not old enough and the new is never new for long. The sense of place I need has not happened yet. You can’t synthesise time Ramon, but it is hard to judge a place by the absence of this. Without the sense of history around me, I feel abandoned. I could not be excited, but I do not know what it is like to be born with no history. My cousin, she was born again, but…”

“But which is more exciting Giovanni, newness or history?”

“History inspires and it reaches out to the new. I will not try to answer for others if they are happy.”



Our first attempts at finding a literary heritage were met with alarm: we passed a rubbish skip laden with old books and found the most popular store was a dedicated romance book dealer. However, it wasn’t long before we found a public library, which seemed a little quiet to us, and a few small retailers on the high street. Inside one I began to browse. There was not another person in the store. The P.A. broadcast a soundtrack of Muzak. I headed straight for the Australiana section to look for Tim Winton’s novel Cloudstreet, set in neighbouring suburbs. A young male employee walked past to begin stacking one of the shelves. He seemed dazed or a little slow. He was humming the Muzak as he worked. It was Celine Dion’s love theme from Titanic. There was nobody in the store to see me run back onto the high street in search of a pub.

5. Subiaco – funtastico?

We begin our search for excitement in the heart of the city. I adopted my Shane from Redfern personna and took with me the irreverend Giovanni Marinetti (right), an expelled monk, Perth neutral and Lazio supporter imported from Subiaco, near Tivoli in the hills surrounding the eternal city, Roma. For it is Subiaco, or ‘Subi’ as the locals call it, in the Western suburbs that is our first destination. We have chosen this place to begin due to its prominence in the WAPC policy documents, as well as it being rated second best café strip and home to some of the most desirable restaurants in Perth (ozsurvey).

Giovanni adopted the name John to blend in with the locals. He was there to provide contrast and context as we work the Roma-Arkansas scale to quantify the excitement in Subi.

The famous Roma-Arkansas scale, created by Erwin Bennets in 1962, is a scale to measure urban excitement based upon the intensity of the other two known Subiaco's in the world: Giovanni’s home in Roma province, the top end of the scale, and Subiaco in Arkansas, USA at the other. The latter was home to 439 people in 2000, nearly 20% of which were below the poverty line. None were available for this study.

We began by perusing the café strips and learning about the history of our Italian sister city and our local place of inquest. It was a day of staggering quality: mid winter and twenty degrees without a cloud in the sky. We took a quick walk to get our bearings and it was not long before we reached the end of the strip, though we had imagined it might have been much larger. The streets were a little quiet and unnerving in the post-rush hour morning. We had a bewildering array of cafes to choose from, each with a rather blatant name: Café Café, ClubSubi, Cino to Go and our favourite, Funtastico’s. We decided this was the place to begin since we were here to find fun and excitement.

It was an agreeable place: echoing concrete, modern wash down walls and neon blue anti-junky lights in the toilets. The coffee was good: a sobbering and bitter blend served in the southern style. John began to smoke, but was told to put it out.

Funtastico’s turned out to be the local haunt of celebrity gangster John 'Giovanni' Kizon. He and his biker henchmen are often seen in and around the premises, no doubt having a funtastic time, but they were not present at the time of our investigation. Perhaps we were too obvious, taking notes and arguing loudly. We might have attracted too much attention. When we left, we noticed a man flitting from doorway to doorway behind us. In panic, we hid in a New Age crystal and aromatherapy store to let him pass, but he was, in the end, only a postal worker. Earlier, John Marinetti and I had discussed Mr Kizon in detail. He seems a very central figure to the excitement in these parts, a nexus of local demigods and myths. Not only is he associated with one of the most exciting café strips in Perth, but he has personal links to both famous footballers, including Ben Cousins (below and first day cover)*, Perth’s best personality, and a recent string of night club gang slayings, which Cousins was also implicated in (see Ozbiker; Courier Mail)

* It is intersting to note here that Ben Cousins only narrowly beat his current coach, John ‘Woosha’ Worsfold who took second place in the same poll. Perhaps they achieved this through fear and intimidation of the local people? Perhaps Robert Mugabe advised them? But there’s more. Worsfold also goes under the auspicious pseudonym ‘the smiling assassin’, whereas the local football ground, Subiaco Oval, voted second best entertainment venue in the State of Excitement, is also known as ‘the Cauldron of Fear’. One wonders what gangsters, bikers football players and assassins all do on any given Saturday in the Cauldron of Fear? At least we know where they eat afterwards. The chill of this thought made my coffee tepid.


We decided to take lunch at the much renowned restaurant the Sicilian, thinking that Kizon would never think to look for us there. We continued our discussion of local histories and began to apply the Roma-Arkansas scale.

Press watch:


An artcile has been published in the opinion section of today's issue of the West Australian (page 17, 4th August 2005), entitled 'EventsCorp row revives shades of Dullsville'. This article is not freely available online, however, I quote you twice from it:

“A groundswell of criticism of EventsCorp means the State Government can no longer afford to stick its head in the sand on the issue unless it wants WA forever to retain its ‘Dullsville’ tag…

…It also runs the risk of making WA a laughing stock, nationally and internationally, as many now joke a tiddlywinks championship could be the State’s next big drawcard.”

EventsCorp is a division of the Tourism Department of the State Government of Western Australia. One of their objectives is to "develop(s) and secure(s) major events that generate substantial visitor expenditure into Western Australia" EventsCorp

4. How to achieve a state of excitement

Now we ask what is a state of excitement. For me it is obvious when I am excited, and it is obvious for others too, but for an entire state, how can it become excited and how can you tell? If we turn to the atom we can draw a model of how a state of excitement might exist.




The Bohr model of the atom suggests that each electron orbits the nucleus (n) in a distinct radius (see image). Each radius can be exactly defined by its angular momentum and can be assigned a particular energy unique to each radius. An electron does not shed energy as long as it remains in a particular orbit. The lowest energy for an electron is the ground state, but electrons in states of energy (that is, in an orbit) higher than the ground state are said to be in a state of excitement. This requires absorption of energy; to return to the ground state enables release of energy (see image).












So for WA to exist in a state of excitement, it must be higher than the ground state and/or absorb energy to counter any energy loss from any potential step down in orbit.

In one sense, WA can be said to be in a higher state, according to statistics from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW). (AIHW). In 1998, 51% of the Western Australian population had used an illicit drug at some time in their lifetime. This was a substantial increase from 44% in 1995. One in every four (25%) persons in Western Australia had used an illicit substance in the previous 12 months. That is, there are a lot of people in WA in a higher state. However, since one of the most common reasons for taking drugs is cited as boredom, it is evident that this higher state is not inducing a state of excitement.

What other forms of energy are there that could elevate the state of existence? We will consider (1) movement of people, (2) movement of ideas (3) latent energy and ambition within individuals and groups and (4) latent energy and ambition within the place itself. Types 1 and 2 can be considerd kinetic energy, whereas types 3 and 4 are forms of potential energy.

We will next attempt to measure these energies within WA and Dullsville to determine wether they are capable of inducing a state of excitement.

3. Names and politics


The origin of the term ‘State of Excitement’ is obscure. Each State and territory within Australia has a slogan to describe it: Queensland is the Sunshine State; Victoria is the Garden State. Each state also has a demonym for the people: West Australian’s are called sandgropers (see image) after rarely seen and poly-modular insects that burrow in the infertile, fine sands of the coastal plains. That sounds quite exciting; better than New South Welsh people who are nicknamed ‘cockroaches’, and South Australians who are known as ‘crow eaters’. (Demonyms).

The Dullsville contorversy is cited as having arisen variously from an internet travel page labelling Perth the most boring city in the world and/or the Lonely Planet 2000 guide to Australia. These sources were not available to confirm this, though more recent guides, perhaps aware of their impact, have toned down their criticisms. The local press reacted to this accusation of lugubriousness instantly with a West Australian newspaper cover story that caused immense backlash (see image; dated November 16, 2001). With an international reputation as good as News of the World, the West Australian can only be believed. A further article was published approx. 12 months later.


Although you would be expected this name calling to be shrugged off, it appears to have struck deeply into the psyche of the state. The Dullsville issue is raised in official government documents from the Western Australian Planning Commission (WAPC; WAPC), local theatre productions (PICA theatre) and in broader public debate including international news site forums BBC news poll).

The WAPC stated the following in a 2003 policy document:

“But is Perth too pleasant? Detractors point to its blandness, or “dullsville” nature, with a conservative “no” attitude to new and innovative ideas. Fremantle and Subiaco are examples of communities where creative and artistic forces have emerged to create exciting and popular centres envied by others.”

A Sunday Times newspaper article was quoted with the following:

“A $190 MILLION plan to put underground a section of the rail line separating Perth from its main entertainment precinct would rid the city of its "dullsville" tag, Premier Geoff Gallop said today...”

(Business Australia discussion).

Dullsville is thus an issue of politics as much as anything else. As further proof, a mock Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT) memo was sent across Australia warning of the ‘dangers’ of living in Perth (SMH news and ABC news). The tone of reporting of this incident in National media, as well as the spoof itself, reveal something of the cynicism of outsiders and the protectiveness of those at the source. Indeed, a past survey suggested a massive 72% of people did not think Perth was dull, but most of those who responded to the questionaire where fiercly tribal locals. (ozsurveys).

I have encountered the proud local nature first hand. When I first touched down on this distant shore I adopted my local personna to go undercover, introducing myself as Shane from Redfern in Sydney. My research suggested this was a simple, unassuming place, that would not generate predjudice. I asked one local about the reputation of Perth as boring. He looked at me with steely eyes as he mocked me in a slow drawl:

“Where are you from then if you’re not a local?”

“Sydney.”

He guffawed loudly and said “Sydney hey? I’ve been there once. Who’s got the pub there now?”

I think I understood his point. I relaised I must be careful. It is a tender issue below the idyllic surface. And if you look at facts, it is clear the Perthites, the Sandgropers, love their home and state, whereas others scorn its existence, much like Caligula scorned all of Rome in favour of the unlimited absurd.

So we must be careful not to trample on the happiness of others. We have a question that we must ask, knowing the answer may cause unrest. We know we will not be satisfied until we have travelled further, further into the twilight.

2. Size and origins.

My dear friends and bitterest opponents, we begin our pursuit of the truth at the beginning. We use fact, not myths and stories, as a basis for our methods. We are all outsiders and strangers to this distant land, afterall, and none of us knows who to believe more than another. I invoke the Spanish proverb, coined of course, like all wise proverbs, by the master Cervantes: we must have a solid perch to hang up our coats.

Since this is a dialogue about space and time, I begin with a scientific description of the land we are about to explore and then present to you the background to our question of duality, the question that confronts the contradiction inherent in the identity of this place: the State of Excitement or Dullsville? We will confront time only as it passes.

Using moles deep within the CIA, my contacts within the local West Australian government and the swift work of Aboriginal trackers, I have obtained access to rare and classified documents and I lay bare their facts.

Western Australia capital Perth is closer to Singapore and Jakarta than it is to Canberra and is described as the most isolated city in the world. My statistics also suggest it is isolated within itself:

The area of Australia is 7 687 000 km2

The State of Excitement measures 2 525 500 km2

The area of Spain is 505 000 km2 whereas that of the UK is 243 300 km2

This means WA is 5 times larger than Spain and 10 times larger than the UK. That could make for a lot of excitement. However, the population of WA at the last national Census was 1,851,252 people (922,268 males and 928,984 females) with an average age of 33. That makes less than one person per km2. The population of the UK is approx. 60 000 000 or 30 times larger than WA; Spain is approx. 40 000 000 people or 20 times the size.


The population of my home town Toledo, was 60 671 in 1990, but Toledo, Ohio, home of Corporal Klinger from M.A.S.H. (see image), is five times larger, making it like WA is to Spain. But I think my home is more exciting than Ohio; I don’t need any more evidence for this other than my three sisters.


(please see CIA, City of Perth and Toledo facts for references).

My fellow Europeans knew of the existence of Western Australia in the seventeenth century. The English explorer, William Dampier, amongst others, visited the north-western coast in 1688 and 1699, but his reports were unfavourable. We must ask why he thought this so? Was William Dampier not excited when faced with the prospect of an entire new country, a continent even, if he could have imagined something so vast? The Swan River area was eventually settled in 1829 at the sites of Perth, upriver, and Fremantle on the mouth of the Swan River.